Baader-Meinhof syndrome................

Have you heard of the Baader-meinhof syndrome? It is also know as the frequency bias or illusion. You will know what that is, it’s when you are thinking of buying a particular car and suddenly you see that car everywhere or maybe you are thinking about having a baby and then it seems that everywhere you look in life or on tv or in the paper there are people with babies……….. well I have been having that recently as I have been thinking particularly about grief and loss and it seems that everyone else is thinking about it too.

The reason I am thinking about grief and loss is because the plants in my bathroom are flowering! Why does that connect me to thoughts of grief and loss? Because the two plants were rescued from my Dad’s property 2 years ago when he died of cancer aged 98. We couldn’t bear to get rid of them and although they were large, dusty and heavy dark green we brought them home. The first month we had them nothing flowered at all they just looked dark and miserable. This time last year, one of the plants produced one flower which promptly then fell off. This year on both plants every single limb has either a fully formed flower or the bud that promises one is coming. So every time I go into the bathroom I look at their splendour and reflect on the nature of loss and grief 2 years on.

And there it is all around me……. Annabel Croft dancing on Strictly Come Dancing during the “incredibly dark time” following the death of her husband 16 weeks after his diagnosis of stomach cancer and saying that being part of the show, which her husband loved, has given her a reason to “get up in the morning”. So she is in the raw stage of loss and grief. And then there was the winner of the Guardian Graphic Short Story prize 2023 drawing a piece about her friend who died suddenly just before her 18 birthday from an undiagnosed heart condition. Her piece is called “Dancing Queen” named after her charismatic school friend. One of the drawings movingly considers whether in fact the group of old school friends now have nothing left to connect them as she was “the glue that held everything together.”

That got me thinking about the wider repercussions of grief and loss and how it can affect all our relationships. And of course at this time of year we are remembering the loss of so many in two world wars and the grief of those who remember them. This is especially poignant in 2023 as there conflicts continuing around the globe. So we also remember the ordinary people of Ukraine, Russia, Gaza and Israel from where we hear daily heartbreaking stories of grief and loss. In the UK at the moment we are revisiting the shocking behaviour of those who managed our country during the recent Covid epidemic. For all of us it is shocking and saddening but especially for those who lost loved ones during that difficult and confusing time.

So what do I think my Dad’s plants are trying to tell me about grief and loss two years on? Certainly nothing will ever be the same again, he will always be gone in terms of physically popping up to see him, sitting in his garden enjoying a cuppa and a chat about the state of the world. But maybe there is a time to let go of that raw grief and begin to see hope again for the future. Eugene Peterson who wrote The Message version of the Bible wisely says that “when disaster strikes, understanding of God is at risk”. When grief and loss come into our lives there is often a sense of “where were you God when I needed you?” “Why didn’t you answer my prayers in the way I hoped you would?”. My Dad would have loved to have made it to his 100th birthday but it was not to be. I do not claim to have the answers to all of this but I do know that whenever I go into my bathroom and see those amazing plants I am reminded of the words in Song of Songs

“Arise, my darling, my beautiful one, and come with me.

See the Winter is past: the rains are over and gone.

Flowers appear….. the season of singing has come”

RevieG 11 November 2023